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Caught something

Caught something

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”
The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”
Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”
The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”

The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”

Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”

The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

Youngsters

Youngsters

Preacher Mark Anthony was complaining to the gathering during Sunday mass.

“The problem of youngsters parking behind the church at night is becoming grave. I went out this morning to check and found enough liquor bottles to build a car.”

A nun got up and said, “Father, and enough rubbers to put tyres on it.”

Never argue with your wife

Never argue with your wife

Johnny says to his friend Dave, “You should never argue with your wife.”

Dave exclaims, “Why so?”

Johnny says, “Because it’s like trying to kill the mosquito on your nose. You may or may not kill it, but you will still end up knocking yourself!”

Funny jokes-A complicated divorce

Funny jokes-A complicated divorce

Peter, who belonged to a wealthy business family, was being divorced by his attractive wife.

His lawyer, who was handling the divorce, dropped in to talk to him.

The lawyer said, “I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that she is not demanding a share in any of your future inheritance.”

Peter was overjoyed and said, “Superb! So, what’s the bad news?”

“Oh,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”

Bachelors and cooking

Bachelors and cooking

Two bachelors, Rick and Dan were talking about cooking.

Rick said, “I got a cookbook once but I could never do anything with it.”

Dan commented, “Was there too much fancy cooking in it?”

Rick replied, “Damn right. Every one of the recipes began the same way. Take a clean dish and….”

To become a deputy

To become a deputy

Jack walks into the police department and says to the Chief, “I want to become a deputy!”

The Chief shows Jack a man’s photograph on a poster and tells him, “Fine. I want you to catch this guy.”

The poster reads : Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.

Jack asked, “What is he wanted for?”

The Chief replies, “Rustling.”

Little Jessica’s problem

Little Jessica’s problem

Little Jessica came home after having her first family planning lesson at her school, St. Mary’s.

Seeing her red in the face, her mom asked, “How did it go, my dear?”

Little Jessica replied, “I am so embarrassed!”

Her mom asked, “Why is that?”

Little Jessica replied, “Tom from next door says that the stork brings babies. My classmate Dara says one can buy babies at the orphanage. Ted says babies are available at the hospital.”

Mom said to her, “But that’s hardly a reason to be embarrassed!”

Little Jessica replied, “No, but how do I tell my friends we were so needy that Dad and you had to make me yourselves!”

Hilarious jokes-Rumors

Hilarious jokes-Rumors

Rumors that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA.

Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: “I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone.”

Warning Labels on Appliances

Warning Labels on Appliances

Warning Labels on Appliances

1) On Odor Eaters: Please do not eat.

2) On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.

3) On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

4) On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.

5) On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.

6) On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

7) On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
“Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”.

8) On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

9) On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only.
No meteorological warranties express or implied.

10) On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.

Land mine detectors

Land mine detectors

Q:  You knew that Harley Davidson supplied the US Army with motorcycles but did you know that they also built land mine detectors back during World War II?

A1:     Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.

A2:     Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.