Short funny jokes

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary.  See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, “Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ” He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. .

-Jay Leno

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

There’s a story set just after the second world war at Portsmouth dockyard.

One day Ministry of Defense policeman [Mod plod] stopped a worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The Mod plod opened the package and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of any value.

The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the policeman finally said, “OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are stealing.”

“Wheelbarrows,” smiled the worker, “I’m stealing wheelbarrows.”

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

Director: Let’s just say she’d look better on radio than on TV.