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Tag: humor

Chess champ

Chess champ

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Absorbing hobby

Absorbing hobby

I’ve recently taken up a rather unusual hobby.

I travel all over the country collecting blotting paper.

Everyone says I’m mad, but I find it very absorbing.

Funny historical truths

Funny historical truths

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof.
Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying “dirt poor.”

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a ‘thresh hold.”

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell.
Thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

Birthday jokes

Birthday jokes

Q: Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the flag’s birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree’s birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Hydrogen atom

Hydrogen atom

A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.

The friend says, “What’s wrong?”

The hydrogen atom replies, “I lost my electron!”

The friend says, “Are you sure?”

The hydrogen atom exclaims, “Yes, I’m positive.”

The friend laments, “Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.”

Universal Situations Vacant Ads Translator

Universal Situations Vacant Ads Translator

Universal Situations Vacant Ads Translator

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Ambulance service

Ambulance service

An old lady dialed 911 after falling over in her house.  She didn’t wake the other members of the family.

As the ambulancemen were carrying her out of the front door on a stretcher, her son roused from his slumbers by the noise staggered onto the landing, panicked at the sight of strange men in his home, and tripped all the way downstairs, knocking himself out.

His wife came rushing out of the bedroom to see what was wrong.

Observing her husband lying on the hall floor, she promptly fainted and fell downstairs herself.

The paramedics now had THREE casualties to take instead of one.

The tally rapidly became four when the family dog rampaged furiously into the hall, and inflicted an indignant bite on the bottom of one of the ambulancemen.

A spokesman for the Ambulance Service said: It was quite a night, actually!

No pencil?

No pencil?

The teacher asks Jim:
“Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?”
“I don’t has a pencil”
“Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: {I don’t have a pencil, he doesn’t have a pencil, we don’t have a pencil}”
“Who stole all the pencils then?”

Seven questions

Seven questions

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters….
2. Preceded God…
3. Greater than God…
4. More Evil than the devil…
5. All poor people have it…
6. Wealthy people need it….
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?

The Answer is:

NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.