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Nasty Lawyer joke

Nasty Lawyer joke

Lawyer Jones: “This is exhibit 6. Do you recognize that picture?”

Asian Witness: “Yes, that’s me.”

Lawyer Jones: “Mr. Chang, Were you present when that picture was taken?”

Asian Witness: “No, I was at home reading lawyer jokes.”

Dowry

Dowry

I am totally against the Dowry system which is prevalent in some Southeast Asian countries. In countries like India, the bride’s parents are sometimes required to pay huge sums of money in dowry.

During a serious debate on this issue amongst some educated friends, a question was raised – “Why do the bride’s parents need to pay dowry?”

The seriousness of the issue did not prevent a jovial Chartered Accountant friend of mine from commenting, “That’s because Excise duty on Production is payable at the time of dispatch of goods.”

Think before you gift

Think before you gift

When Emma retired, she was gifted a piano by her husband, Jack.

Emma has always wanted a piano, so Jack thought it would be a perfect gift for her birthday.

A couple of weeks later, when their son dropped in to check on them, he found the piano missing.

On inquiring, his father said,  “Err, we returned the piano. I convinced her her to switch to a saxophone instead.”

When the son asked why did he do that, Jack replied, “Because, with a saxophone, she can’t sing.”

Best funny jokes-Lost teeth

Best funny jokes-Lost teeth

Doctor Gonsalves asked his patient Santa Singh, “Santa, how did you lose 3 front teeth?”

Sardar  Santa Singh replied, “Doctor, my wife had made very hard rotis (Indian bread).”

Doctor Gonsalves said, “So why didn’t you refuse to eat?”

Sardar Santa Singh replied, “That’s exactly what I did!”

Common fishing expressions

Common fishing expressions

Ten common fishing expressions explained

1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.

2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].

3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.

4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.

8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.

10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming ‘that flippin’ line’ for once again losing the fish.

Big orange for a head

Big orange for a head

This chap walks into a pub and to his astonishment, notices that there’s a chap stood at the bar who has a huge orange for a head. Despite his curiosity, the chap decides not to pry and sits down quietly.

After a few drinks, curiosity has overcome the chap and he decides to inquire.

“Excuse me, mate, but I couldn’t help noticing you have a big orange for a head. What happened?”

“Well,” says the man with the big orange for a head, “I moved into a large old house not so long ago. One afternoon, I decided to explore the attic and found an old brass lamp in the corner. I rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out, explained he had been trapped in there for two hundred years, and would grant me three wishes for releasing him.”

“So what did you ask for first?” asks the curious chap.

“I asked for ten million pounds. The Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and he asked me to phone the bank, who confirmed my balance was now ten million pounds!”

“What did you ask for with your second wish?”

“Well, I asked if I could make love to the ten most beautiful women in the world. Again, the Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and the doorbell rang. Ten supermodels ran in, picked me up, carried me to bed, and ravished me all night!”

“Wow,” says the curious chap, “What did you ask for with your third wish?”

“Well, I asked for a big orange for a head.”

Internet Cafe Humor

Internet Cafe Humor

Internet Cafe Humor

* Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell “I can’t hear you!!! You’re going to have to speak louder!”

* Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, “These new games are incredible!”

* Practice ‘spinning mouse mat on index finger’ globe trotter routine.

* Put your monitor’s contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell “It’s going to implode!”

* Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD’s.

* Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, “STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS – IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!”

* Sit at the web terminal… without a chair.

Difficult to achieve

Difficult to achieve

TWO THINGS ARE DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE

1. To plant your ideas in someone else’s head.

2. To put someone else’s money in your own pocket.

The one who succeeds in the first one is called a TEACHER.

And the second is called a BUSINESSMAN.

The one who succeeds in both is called a WIFE

The one who fails in both is called a HUSBAND!!!