Browsed by
Tag: funny

Look good

Look good

Well, I met this redhead in the pub last night.

She said to me, “Tell you what, if you lost a few kilos, get a shave and a hair cut, you would look good.”

I said to her, “If  I did what you said,  I would be talking to your pals over there instead of you.”

A reason to worry!

A reason to worry!

The hospital janitor, Joe saw a patient running wildly in the corridors.

Joe stopped him and asked what was the problem.

The patient said, “They are to operate on me today. The nurse said it’s a simple operation, and there is nothing to worry.”

Joe tried to pacify the patient, “She was just trying to comfort you, why are you so scared?”

The patient replied, “She was talking to the doctor.”

Nasty Lawyer joke

Nasty Lawyer joke

Lawyer Jones: “This is exhibit 6. Do you recognize that picture?”

Asian Witness: “Yes, that’s me.”

Lawyer Jones: “Mr. Chang, Were you present when that picture was taken?”

Asian Witness: “No, I was at home reading lawyer jokes.”

Best funny jokes-Expecting

Best funny jokes-Expecting

Dave and Gary are having a conversation over drinks.
Dave, wanting to inquire about Gary’s wife, asks, “So how is Betty taking her pregnancy?”
Gary answers, “Betty is not pregnant. She is expecting.”
Dave, intrigued, asks, “Hello! How is it different?”
Gary shoots back, “Well, When I return home from office, she is expecting me to cook dinner, she is expecting me to pick up the trash, she is expecting me to walk the dog, she is expecting me to wash the clothes….”
Caught something

Caught something

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”
The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”
Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”
The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”

The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”

Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”

The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

Youngsters

Youngsters

Preacher Mark Anthony was complaining to the gathering during Sunday mass.

“The problem of youngsters parking behind the church at night is becoming grave. I went out this morning to check and found enough liquor bottles to build a car.”

A nun got up and said, “Father, and enough rubbers to put tyres on it.”

Kick the habit

Kick the habit

Ed was going to meet a friend at his office. He was trying to kick his habit of smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got into the elevator.

A woman looked at him angrily and said, “May I please remind you that smoking is prohibited in the lift.”

Ed replied, “I aint smoking lady.”

The woman said, “But you have a cigar in your mouth.”

Ed taunted, “I am wearing Jockey shorts too, but I aint riding a horse.”

Dowry

Dowry

I am totally against the Dowry system which is prevalent in some Southeast Asian countries. In countries like India, the bride’s parents are sometimes required to pay huge sums of money in dowry.

During a serious debate on this issue amongst some educated friends, a question was raised – “Why do the bride’s parents need to pay dowry?”

The seriousness of the issue did not prevent a jovial Chartered Accountant friend of mine from commenting, “That’s because Excise duty on Production is payable at the time of dispatch of goods.”

Never argue with your wife

Never argue with your wife

Johnny says to his friend Dave, “You should never argue with your wife.”

Dave exclaims, “Why so?”

Johnny says, “Because it’s like trying to kill the mosquito on your nose. You may or may not kill it, but you will still end up knocking yourself!”

Funny jokes-A complicated divorce

Funny jokes-A complicated divorce

Peter, who belonged to a wealthy business family, was being divorced by his attractive wife.

His lawyer, who was handling the divorce, dropped in to talk to him.

The lawyer said, “I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that she is not demanding a share in any of your future inheritance.”

Peter was overjoyed and said, “Superb! So, what’s the bad news?”

“Oh,” said the lawyer, “after the divorce, she’s marrying your father!”