You know who you are!

I absolutely hate YOU! He keeps hanging around my house despite my best efforts to be rid of him. I think he likes me! And when I finally get rid of him, he keeps coming back. I think he loves me!

He comes in many forms…
telephone bill, water bill, electric bill, gas bill, garbage bill, insurance bill, cable bill, Dr. Bill…

If you drive by my house and see him feel free to shoot his ass on site!

Re-post if Bill haunts you too….

After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: “Guess who sent them.”

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.

They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”

“Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

A few moments on your lips

Forever on your hips.

“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” Morris said, “I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!”

“Morris, you are a stupid boy!” said Abe,  “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!”

“The prices are too high”

“Well” the merchant says, “you should come back next week we are having a fire sale”.

The patron says, “What do you mean you are having a fire sale next week?”

The merchant says, “Shhh”

Arthur Dent sat and quivered. He had no idea what he was in for, but he knew that he hadn’t liked anything that had happened so far and didn’t think things were likely to change.

The Vogon began to read – a fetid little passage of his own devising.

“Oh twitter xanga…” he began. Spasms wracked Ford’s body – this was worse than ever he’d been prepared for.

“… thy topix are to me–As orkut skype on a lulu bee.”

“Aaaaaaarggggghhhhhh!” went Ford Prefect, wrenching his head back as lumps of pain thumped through it. He could dimly see beside him Arthur lolling and rolling in his seat. He clenched his teeth.

“Digg I implore thee,” continued the merciless Vogon, “my ning shutterfly.”

His voice was rising to a horrible pitch of impassioned stridency. “And rollyo woot me with wikia flickr,– Or I will rend thee in the squidoo with my stornge, see if I don’t!”

“Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggcccccc!” cried Ford Prefect and threw one final spasm as the electronic enhancement of the last line caught him full blast across the temples. He went limp.

* Last week a JetBlue pilot had a meltdown on a flight to Las Vegas.  But there is a happy ending, the post office has now offered him a job.

* Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn’t insane.

* The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue.

* Up in Sacramento this week a man jumped on the hood of a police car that was moving. Started screaming his name. He was wearing a puffy winter jacket, a sombrero, one boxing glove. Police say the guy was in a total state of delirium. They didn’t arrest him. Turns out just a JetBlue pilot on break. He was just on break.

* An Australian pilot said a snake appeared in his lap in the cockpit of his plane.  It seems the “snake” would appear every time a pretty flight attendant would walk into the cockpit.

happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?”

“I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer replies.

“A Nobel Prize?” enquires Bob, puzzled. “How?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

The Boss says, “:Really? Which are these three companies?’

Tom replies, “Power,  Telephone and Credit card companies.”