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Funny jokes-A Biscuit Maker’s Love Letter

Funny jokes-A Biscuit Maker’s Love Letter

A biscuit maker writes a love letter to his girlfriend:

“Dear MARIE,

Yesterday was a very GOOD DAY! Our meeting was truly MASKA CHASKA.

But the chance of success of our love story is 50-50, because your father is a TIGER.

Will you give your LITTLE HEART to me…….

Otherwise I will become a KRACK JACK……”

Good jokes-Stupid label instructions on consumer goods

Good jokes-Stupid label instructions on consumer goods

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

On a Myer hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. – (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. – Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap”. – (And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost”. – (But, it’s just a suggestion).

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down”. -(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. -(And you thought????…)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. -(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. – (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness”. – (And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. – (As opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. – (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts”. – (Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”. – (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Good jokes-Computer Novices

Good jokes-Computer Novices

Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but the following call to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”

Good jokes-Mowing Show Down

Good jokes-Mowing Show Down

The 12th annual “Mow Down Show Down Lawn Mower Championship” was held in Avon Park, Florida earlier this year, bringing out the best and fastest in Lawnmower racing. It also brought out some colorful names. Entries included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.

Tongue Twisters

Tongue Twisters

Tongue Twisters

1. If you understand, say “understand”. If you don’t understand, say “don’t understand”. But if you understand and say “don’t understand”. How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won’t wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

5.Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6.If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7.I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn’t the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.

8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, “If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?”

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said “NO”, and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? “When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor’s the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor’s way”

13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We’ll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly “Oh what should we do” Said the flea” Let us fly Said the fly”Let us flee” So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See’s saw Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw, See’s saw would not have sawed Soar’s seesaw. So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw

More Stupid True Headlines

More Stupid True Headlines

– British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

– Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

– Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

– Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

– New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

– Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

– Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

– Air Head Fired

– Steals Clock, Faces Time

– Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

– Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

– Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

– Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

– Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

– Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Stupid True Headlines

Stupid True Headlines

– Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

– Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

– War Dims Hope for Peace

– If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

– Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

– Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

– Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

– Deer Kill 17,000

– Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

– Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

– New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

– Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

– Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

– Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

– Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Good jokes-My train

Good jokes-My train

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Office jokes-Ways to stay stressed

Office jokes-Ways to stay stressed

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You’ll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE – BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS……and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.