Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile”?
JOHN : “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
JOHN : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
“What a Great chest you have!’

He tells her,
‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.’

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’
“What massive calves you have!’

The body builder tells her,
‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.’

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite  after I saw how short the fuse was!’

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean  soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -  Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the  Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from
this demonstration?

Maya who was  sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you  won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

‘I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the Genie.
The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.’
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, ‘I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.’
The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it’s virtually impenetrable.’
The Biker sits down on his Harley,
Cracks a beer,
Lights a cigar,
Smiles and says,
‘Fill it with water.’

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ”Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says,”Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss his wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his dance partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks, finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and she was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my Peon, apparently he had the time of his life.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”.

An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. “Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?” The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.” She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?” Again he went through his tables. “Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.” Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Veer Savarkar once started addressing a public meeting in Hindi at
Bangalore.

The crowd started shouting “Speak in Kannada. We will hear only in
Kannada.”

Veer Savarkar replied ” Friends, I have spent 14 years of rigorous
imprisonment in ill famous Andaman Jail where all freedom fighters like me
were kept.  I have learned Bengali from the freedom fighters coming from
Bengal, Hindi from those coming from Uttar Pradesh, even Guajarati and
Punjabi. Unfortunately there was none from Karnataka from whom I could have learned Kannada.”
…and there was pin drop silence.