Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. ”

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate- -especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail.”

“Qualifications: No education or experience.”

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

Patient- please doctor help me. I have been stung by a bee.

Doctor- dont worry . I’ll put some cream on it.

Pat..-u’ll never find the bee. It must be miles away by now.

Doc..- no no please understand. I’ll put some cream on the place u were stung.

Pat..-oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.

Doc..- u #$%&! I mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.

Pat..- it stung me on my finger.

Doc..- which one?

Pat..-how am I to know? All the bees look the same to me

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another

Relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they

Asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until he cries?”

“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????”

Customer :Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied.

“It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

“I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks,

“How did you find that out?

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly,

“I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an ‘ F ‘ in sex.”

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss “what is the meaning of appraisal?”

Boss: “Do you know the meaning of resignation? ”
Trainee: “Yes I do”
Boss: “So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation”

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn’t meet the expectation, you don’t have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Trainee: “Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign … !!!”

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed  Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,  There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )

A man was praying to god.

He said, “God?”

God responded, “Yes?”

And the Guy said, “Can I ask a question?”

“Go right ahead”, God said.

“God, what is a million years to you?”

God said, “A million years to me is only a second.”

The man wondered.

Then he asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”

God said, “A million dollars to me is a penny.”

So the man said, “God can I have a penny?”

And God cheerfully said,

“Sure!……. just a second.”