Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ”Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says,”Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss his wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his dance partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks, finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and she was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my Peon, apparently he had the time of his life.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”.

An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. “Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?” The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.” She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?” Again he went through his tables. “Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.” Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Veer Savarkar once started addressing a public meeting in Hindi at
Bangalore.

The crowd started shouting “Speak in Kannada. We will hear only in
Kannada.”

Veer Savarkar replied ” Friends, I have spent 14 years of rigorous
imprisonment in ill famous Andaman Jail where all freedom fighters like me
were kept.  I have learned Bengali from the freedom fighters coming from
Bengal, Hindi from those coming from Uttar Pradesh, even Guajarati and
Punjabi. Unfortunately there was none from Karnataka from whom I could have learned Kannada.”
…and there was pin drop silence.

Wife hits her husband with frying pan

Husband: Why…What happened?

Wife:  I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.

Husband:  I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.

Wife:  Sorry..!

Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again.

Husband: What now..?

Wife:  Your horse is on the Phone

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and Applause!!!
A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!”

The wife went; “ahhhh!” with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

There’s only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There’s only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it!