Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ”It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ”Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, ”Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says,”Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, ”How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, ”If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an ‘Australian treasure!’

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! It is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ¡°What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively.”Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,

“Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers,
“TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack..

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….”

Robert Whiting , an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France !”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.
Then he quietly explained, ”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single
Frenchman to show a passport to.”

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New Delhi , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

On the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?

Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like….

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.  Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand & even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If u receive WORK from ur boss, any of your colleagues or any1 else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out ur private life entirely. If u should come into contact with WORK u should immediately leave d premises.

Take two good friends to d nearest liquor store & purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) & Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: “What happened?

“Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp…

“Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of Assam tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with Assam tea and he never touched me.

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”

A cyclone hit a Kansas  farmhouse just before dawn one  morning.

It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the  farmer and his wife slept were  sleeping.  By some miracle, the cyclone set them  down unharmed the next county  over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Don’t be scared,  Mary,” her husband said.
“We’re not  hurt.”

Mary continued to cry.  “I’m not scared,”

She said between  sobs.  “I’m happy… This is the first time  in 14 years we’ve been out  together.”

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time … however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written (for 95 points): “Which tire?”