Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution- -but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. ”

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.”

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate- -especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail.”

“Qualifications: No education or experience.”

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss his wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his dance partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks, finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and she was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked “Did you dance much?” He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my Peon, apparently he had the time of his life.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” one asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”

Thirty minutes had passed, and another

Relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they

Asked again, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.

“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until he cries?”

“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, “My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a
doctor.”

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer then prints the following:

1.    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2.    Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3.    Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.    Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer

5.    If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never
get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.

He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.

So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?”

This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.”

Finally, the priest yelled, “CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”

Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.”

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?”

To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

We don’t understand Women : Their “Whatever” “Anything” OR “You Decide”

1 . (Whatever)

Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don’t we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don’t we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?
Men: Hmm….. I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It’s been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it’s a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it… for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can’t walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s have dinner first?
Women: Whatever…
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed  Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,  There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dachshund dog along for company.

One day, the Dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the Dachshund discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The Dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That Dachshund! Nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the Dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet… And just when they get close enough to hear,

The Dachshund says…….. ……… …..

“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”