Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Two friends staying nearby met  one day morning.

1st: I kiss my wife every day morning before going to my office. How about you?

2nd: I kiss after you go to your office

Why did the blonde have to drink a hot Pepsi?
Because she couldn’t fit any ice into the bottle

When I was 4 Yrs Old : My father is THE BEST

When I was 6 Yrs Old : My father seems to know everyone

When I was 10 Yrs Old : My father is excellent but he is short tempered

When I was 12 Yrs Old : My father was nice when I was little

When I was 14 Yrs Old : My father started being too sensitive

When I was 16 Yrs Old : My father can’t keep up with modern time

When I was 18 Yrs Old : My father is getting less tolerant as the days pass by

When I was 20 Yrs Old : It is too hard to forgive my father, how could my Mum stand him all these years

When I was 25 Yrs Old : My father seems to be objecting to everything I do

When I was 30 Yrs Old: It’s very difficult to be in agreement with my father, I wonder if my Grandfather was troubled by my father when he was a youth

When I was 40 Yrs Old: My father brought me up with a lot of discipline, I must do the same

When I was 45 Yrs Old: I am puzzled, how did my father manage to raise all of us

When I was 50 Yrs Old : It’s rather difficult to control my kids, how much did my father suffer for the sake of upbringing and protecting us

When I was 55 Yrs Old: My father was far looking and had wide plans for us, he was gentle and outstanding.

When I became 60 Yrs Old: My father is THE BEST

Tom, a middle aged guy in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

“I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? “I’m too old for this kind of thing” and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver’s side.

“Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving “If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before as to why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The Policeman said, “Have a nice day, sir”

A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.”
The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.”
The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.”
The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”

The judge looked up at the man and asked ,

“Have you ever been up before me ? ”

” I don’t know “, said the man . “What time do you get up ? “

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand & even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If u receive WORK from ur boss, any of your colleagues or any1 else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out ur private life entirely. If u should come into contact with WORK u should immediately leave d premises.

Take two good friends to d nearest liquor store & purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) & Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.

“What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, and smiled. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be an atheist.”