Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

A businessman and a priest were playing golf. The businessman  swung his rod and missed completely . He swore “Bugger it , missed!” .
Hearing this , the priest got annoyed  . “Don’t swear like that , my  son ” he admonished him. The businessman duly apologised and promised  to be more careful. But it happened again the next time he missed. Again the priest admonished him and again he apologised.When it happened for
the third time , the priest flew into a rage and told him that if he swore again, God will surely punish him for that. The businessman,  really contrite , promised to behave himself. So he took careful aim and swung his rod..and missed.As he started to say “Bugg..”, there wasa loud clap of thunder and a streak of lightning struck the priest dead.
Suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens “Bugger it , missed !”

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, “My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank.” The second boy said, “That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!” The third boy said, “That’s nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!”

The little old lady got on bus and seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so the lady would stare at the bus driver and ask with loud anxiety, “Have we reached  Niagara Falls yet, Son?”

“No, lady, not yet. I will let you know,” he replied politely , every time she asked but with rising excitation.

A few minutes later, she asked again “Are we there yet, son? Have we
reached Niagara Falls?

Once again, he replied “No, not yet. I’ll let you know when we get there!”

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally
the town came into view.

Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and
called out, “This is where you get out, lady.”

“Is this Niagara Falls?”

“YES!” he bellowed. “Get out!”

“Oh, I’m going all the way to New York, son,” she explained sweetly. “It’s
just that my daughter told me that when we come this far, I should immediately take my Heart medicines or I may die you know.”

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can’t you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can’t.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?

Bill’s company made software to run a car.

Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.

A pop-up window appeared asking, “Are you sure you really want to stop?”

Before Bill could enter “Yes”, there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.

He started shouting “F1! F1!” but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.

A message appeared on the screen, “An illegal function is performed.

All the window-panes of the car will be closed.” Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, “You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell.”

Bill pleaded, “I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please.”

Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

Once two men sat in a bar drinking.
The first one said to the other ,”I have a hell lot of family problems.”
The second one said ,”I’ll tell you mine.
I married a widow having a young daughter.
My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father’s brother and so he my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son I.e. My brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems”.

A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I

want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an honest loyal wife, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put

that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”