Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor’s for a physical.

The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?”

And the man answered, “Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he’s so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”

The Doctor was astonished.

He called the man’s wife and said, “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”

And she said, “That idiot, he’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors.

The Captain spoke first. “Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There’s a three-man life raft on board and  I’m going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each one question.  The one who can’t answer will stay behind.  Here’s the  first question :What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?”
The first sailor answered, “The Titanic,Sir.”
“On to the next question: How many people perished?”
The second sailor said, “One thousand five hundred and seventeen,Sir”
“Now for the third question,” and the Captain turned to sailor number three. “What were their names?”

There was this case in this hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?

So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.

Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil…and they waited.

8am, the patient was still alive…

8.30am…still breathing…

Just before the ‘cursed’ time, the door to the ward swung open…

Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

Customer  : Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter    : That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Marc Faber’s comment on US economy

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

‘The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a

computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help

the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are

the only products still produced in US. I’ve been doing my part.’

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutional ists
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me thanks!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening officer, Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m tone deaf and nobody wants to hear me sing karaoke tonight.

7. I’m just not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance as I have no co – ordination. I’d hate to make myself look a complete idiot!

9. I really must be going home now, Ive had a few drinks and have to go to work in the morning.