Best Short Funny Jokes, Good Joke collection ever

John lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and John went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.

John said, “I’ll go right away Father, Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Customer  :  Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter    : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Dr. Bindeshwar Patak, the 2009 Stockholm Water Prize Laureate and founder of a grassroots sanitation movement in India, recounts the days before his country’s independence in 1947 when toilets were a rare sight in remote villages and towns under British rule.

An English woman, who was planning a trip to colonial India, wrote a letter to the owner of a small guest house who was also doubling as the town’s schoolmaster.

She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. The school master, not fluent in the nuances of English acronyms, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.

Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
Wayside Chapel near the guest house. That the letters WC (water closet) could mean a bathroom,  never entered their minds, said Dr. Pathak.

So the schoolmaster wrote back:

‘Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located nine miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.’
‘As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation  especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.’
‘I would recommend that your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday, as there is an organ accompaniment.  The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. ‘
‘I look forward to escorting you there myself, and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster.

“No wonder,” said Dr. Pathak, amidst howls of laughter, “the British woman never visited India.”

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Pure bred Police Dog $25. Free local delivery.”

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a pure bred police dog?”

“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A woman went to a State Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
“What’s is in for?”, asked the Governor.
“For stealing a ham.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad. Is he a good worker?”
“No, I couldn’t say that. He’s very lazy.”
“Oh…well, he’s good to you and the children, isn’t he?”
“No, he is not. He’s very mean to us, if you want to know the truth.”
“Why would you want a man like that out of prison?”
“Well, Governor, we’ve been out of ham for quite a spell.”

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

When her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, “I will be a out in a minute, darling.”

Soon, the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him –obviously as usual.

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
“I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains”. The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “fifteen inches” “Fifteen inches???” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small, what room are they for?” The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo ………… . I’ve got Windoooooows!”

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker.  The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’, I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s…

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!