September 9th, 2010 by admin

The Warning Signs of Insanity…

* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.

* You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

* Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

* You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

* People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

* Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.

* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

* Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

* You collect dead windowsill flies.

* Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”

* You like cats. Especially with mayo.

* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island because they weren’t rescued.

* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.

* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.

* Melba toast excites you.

* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because “the napkins have ears.”

* You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.

* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you’re a stalk.

* You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

* You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindu.

* You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

* The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

* You like reading lists like this.