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Really funny jokes-Newpaper headlines

Really funny jokes-Newpaper headlines

A forty-five year old man was riding his motorcycle when he saw his best friend being attacked by a large pit bull. The man jumped off his bike, ran over and jumped on the dog’s back.  After prying the vicious animal’s teeth from his friend’s body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.

The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for an ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the motorcycle riding hero and said,

“Sir, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You’re going to make tomorrow’s headlines. It will read: ‘Suzuki Rider is Hero-Risks His Life & Saves Friend From Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'”

The old biker said, “That’s nice, but I’m not a damn Suzuki rider.”

The editor said “O.K., then it will read ‘Honda rider saves friend’s life in pit-bull attack.'”

The old biker said, “I’m not a damn Honda rider.”

The editor thought for a moment and then replied, “Oh OK, it will read ‘Yamaha rider saves friend’s life.'”

Once again the old man interrupted by grumbling and saying, “Listen, sonny!  I’m not a Yamaha rider either!”

The editor becoming somewhat irritated asked, “Well, then what kind of bike do you ride?”

The old biker drew up proudly and replied with a big smile, “HARLEY-DAVIDSON”

The next morning the local newspaper headlines read:

“BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD BY INBRED REDNECK HILL SCOGGIN.”

Family problem

Family problem

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here?  What was the nature of your illness?”

He got this reply…

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.  Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.  So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother.  Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.  But hold on just a few minutes more.  You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.  Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

Really funny jokes-Bruno’s doings

Really funny jokes-Bruno’s doings

On New Year’s day at about 3.30 in the afternoon, having enjoyed an excellent lunch with his wife, children and grand children, John knew it was time to take Bruno, his well-loved mongrel dog for his afternoon’s constitutional.

Unable to find his usually clutch of plastic bags for collecting the Bruno’s “doings” he called to his wife that he would take, instead, the fancy gift bag in which he had recently received a small present from his grand-daughter.

He strode purposefully down Leith Avenue and into Hill Road, Bruno on his lead and the pretty gift bag swinging freely in his hand. The dog stopped on two occasions and Bruno’s “doings” were transferred into the gift bag for later disposal.

Hill Road narrows as it approaches Portchester railway station and joins with Station Road. A narrow path is the only pedestrian way under the railway bridge and it is very close to the road.

John carefully manoeuvred himself and the dog along the narrow path. At this moment, two youths aged approximately 13 or 14 years old came cycling, at considerable speed up the road.

Shouting and laughing at John, the youths grabbed and stole the colorful gift bag and sped off into the distance.

Patrick has often wondered what happened next.

Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg

Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg

Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts.  This effect is especially noticeable in January.

You may have read of the the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true – it occurs to me practically every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.

I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity.

NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted”, look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs…and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

The Beer Diet

The Beer Diet

The Beer Diet

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the “Beer-Me” diet. Personally, I have a “liquid dinner” every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the “Beer-Me” diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional “How did I get here?” when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The “Beer-Me” diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the “Beer-Me” diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the “lean-over-and-hurl” stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling “huge,” swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with “the dog that bit you.” This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting.

Sick leave

Sick leave

Negotiations between Union members and their employer were at an impasse.

The Union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the Company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,

“This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local cricket tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a Union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick.

Intriguing Signs

Intriguing Signs

Intriguing Signs

1) Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

2)  Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

3) Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

4) Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

5) Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

6) Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Really funny jokes-Communication gap

Really funny jokes-Communication gap

A judge was questioning a woman with regard to her divorce case pending in court.

Judge: “What is your ground for divorce?”

Woman: “Two and a half acres of ground and big home with a swimming pool on it.”

Judge: “I didn’t mean that. Well OK, how are the relations between the two of you?”

Woman: “Let me see, I have two uncles and aunts and of course, my husband has several……”

Judge: “OK, leave it. Does your husband beat you?”

Woman: “Oh yes, he gets up and occupies the bathroom first.”

Judge: “This is no reason for divorce. But why do you want one?”

Woman: “I don’t. I never ever want a divorce. My hubby says he is unable to communicate.”

Really funny jokes-Welsh films

Really funny jokes-Welsh films

Now that Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones have become established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production.

Hollywood are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year:

An American Werewolf in Powys
The Magnificent Severn
The Wizard of Oswestry
Trefforest Gump
Dai Hard
Cool Hand Look-you
Dial M For Merthyr
Sheepless in Seattle
Haverfordwest Was Won
Independence Dai
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
The Eagle has Llandudno
9½ Leeks
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout

Really funny jokes-A good night’s sleep

Really funny jokes-A good night’s sleep

Several friends went into forest to track and experience camp life first hand. Of them, Joe had this habit of snoring loudly. Nobody wanted to share his tent. Finally they decided to take turns with him. The first friend shared his tent at night and came out all messed up with red eyes next morning.

Friends asked: “ Hey what happened?”

First friend: “He snores like a buzz. I couldn’t sleep, just set and watched him all night.”

That night another friend went into Joe’s tent and next morning came out all cursing and disheveled.

Friends: “What’s wrong with you?’

Friend: “His snoring is like a siren. I just set staring at him and he slept like a log, never again.”

The third night it was Hardy’s turn. Hardy was from the army and used to roughing it out. The next morning he came out of Joe’s tent all bright, fresh and smiling.

Friends: “Hey Hardy, didn’t he disturb you? How did you manage it?”

Hardy: “Nothing to it. Before tucking inside the blanket, I went to Joe to wish him good night. I caressed his butt, pinched it a few times and kissed him good night. Joe sat up all night and watched me.”