March 18th, 2012 by admin

It’s time for another version of “It Could Be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be worse than they seem to be:

It Could be Worse:

You could be Rick Santorum at a gay rights convention

You could be Rick Santorum campaigning at a condom factory.

You could be Rick Santorum…(That’s all there is to that one.)

You could be a Mayan and if the world doesn’t come to an end this year you’ll be really embarrassed.

You could be President Obama and be really happy how the Republican candidate are beating each other up but then you look at your own “accomplishments” and you get

worried about re-election all over again.

You could be President Obama and grow a conscience before the election.

You could be Obama and after you lose the election you want to visit your homeland, but you can’t decide if you want to call that Hawaii, Illinois or Kenya.

You could be the 98 year-old man who recently married a 95 year-old woman and be comforted by the fact that she is unlikely to ever ask you to renew your vows.

You could be the dog in Albuquerque who was recently registered to vote by your owner and realize how upsetting it is to hear the current presidential candidates,

including Obama, being referred to as “dog candidates.”

You could have actually read the recently released love letters by Richard Nixon.

March 17th, 2012 by admin

I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted “those people”.

“People WHO?” I asked.

She said, “The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

“If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you’ve with-drawn, so they can update THEIR books.”

February 28th, 2012 by admin

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of b*tches.”

February 25th, 2012 by admin

This is why I don’t like visiting my rich friends:

Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine, the maid approached me and asked me.

1- Question :What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea, hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?

Answer : Ceylon tea please

3- Question : How would you like it? black or white?

Answer : White

4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?

Answer : With milk

5- Question owdered milk or fresh milk ?

Answer : Aah , fresh .

6- Question :Goat’s milk or cow’s milk?

Answer : cow’s milk please .

7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm , think I’ll just take it black

8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?

Answer : with sugar

9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer : cane sugar

10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Oh ya , forget about the tea , just give me a glass of water
instead.

11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?

Answer : mineral water

12- Question : flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer : I think I’ll just die of thirst!

13- Question : How do you choose to die sir?

February 22nd, 2012 by admin

An economics professor and a student were strolling through the campus.

“Look,” the student cried out, “there’s a $100 bill on the path!”

“No, you are mistaken,” the wiser head replied. “That cannot be. If there were actually a $100 bill, someone would have picked it up.”