After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: “Guess who sent them.”

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.

They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to ” walk out”

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”

*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word ‘Super’ as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for ‘conversation’ )

12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

“That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I’d like that”, says the Englishman. He’s provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“Ah’ll huv ma whisky back”, says the Scotsman. He’s provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He’s already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“I’d loike a fork.”, says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, “Yer no makin’ any bl*ody canoe outta me!”

The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
The coroner said, “No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, “No.”

The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

It Could be Worse:

You could be Rick Santorum at a gay rights convention

You could be Rick Santorum campaigning at a condom factory.

You could be Rick Santorum…(That’s all there is to that one.)

You could be a Mayan and if the world doesn’t come to an end this year you’ll be really embarrassed.

You could be President Obama and be really happy how the Republican candidate are beating each other up but then you look at your own “accomplishments” and you get

worried about re-election all over again.

You could be President Obama and grow a conscience before the election.

You could be Obama and after you lose the election you want to visit your homeland, but you can’t decide if you want to call that Hawaii, Illinois or Kenya.

You could be the 98 year-old man who recently married a 95 year-old woman and be comforted by the fact that she is unlikely to ever ask you to renew your vows.

You could be the dog in Albuquerque who was recently registered to vote by your owner and realize how upsetting it is to hear the current presidential candidates,

including Obama, being referred to as “dog candidates.”

You could have actually read the recently released love letters by Richard Nixon.

“People WHO?” I asked.

She said, “The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

“If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you’ve with-drawn, so they can update THEIR books.”

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of b*tches.”

Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine, the maid approached me and asked me.

1- Question :What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea, hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?

Answer : Ceylon tea please

3- Question : How would you like it? black or white?

Answer : White

4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?

Answer : With milk

5- Question owdered milk or fresh milk ?

Answer : Aah , fresh .

6- Question :Goat’s milk or cow’s milk?

Answer : cow’s milk please .

7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: umm , think I’ll just take it black

8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without?

Answer : with sugar

9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?

Answer : cane sugar

10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Oh ya , forget about the tea , just give me a glass of water
instead.

11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?

Answer : mineral water

12- Question : flavoured or non-flavoured?

Answer : I think I’ll just die of thirst!

13- Question : How do you choose to die sir?

“Look,” the student cried out, “there’s a $100 bill on the path!”

“No, you are mistaken,” the wiser head replied. “That cannot be. If there were actually a $100 bill, someone would have picked it up.”