April 24th, 2012 by admin

WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching “Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi” that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very “ESpecial” person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to “work out” she means she is going to ” walk out”

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are “Thank you” and “How are you”

*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn’t study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with ” … I say…”

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word ‘Super’ as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

11. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for ‘conversation’ )

12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

April 17th, 2012 by admin

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”

The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

April 8th, 2012 by admin

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, “Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?”

“That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I’d like that”, says the Englishman. He’s provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“Ah’ll huv ma whisky back”, says the Scotsman. He’s provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He’s already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“I’d loike a fork.”, says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, “Yer no makin’ any bl*ody canoe outta me!”

March 23rd, 2012 by admin

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”
“No,” the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”
The coroner said, “No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”, asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, “No.”

The attorney asked, “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

March 18th, 2012 by admin

It’s time for another version of “It Could Be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be worse than they seem to be:

It Could be Worse:

You could be Rick Santorum at a gay rights convention

You could be Rick Santorum campaigning at a condom factory.

You could be Rick Santorum…(That’s all there is to that one.)

You could be a Mayan and if the world doesn’t come to an end this year you’ll be really embarrassed.

You could be President Obama and be really happy how the Republican candidate are beating each other up but then you look at your own “accomplishments” and you get

worried about re-election all over again.

You could be President Obama and grow a conscience before the election.

You could be Obama and after you lose the election you want to visit your homeland, but you can’t decide if you want to call that Hawaii, Illinois or Kenya.

You could be the 98 year-old man who recently married a 95 year-old woman and be comforted by the fact that she is unlikely to ever ask you to renew your vows.

You could be the dog in Albuquerque who was recently registered to vote by your owner and realize how upsetting it is to hear the current presidential candidates,

including Obama, being referred to as “dog candidates.”

You could have actually read the recently released love letters by Richard Nixon.