This girl called Anita in my gym went to see her family doctor for her diet plan.
Anita said to the doc,”My worry is my height and not how much I weigh.”
The doctor was surprised and asked, “And why is that?”
Anita replied, “If you go by my weight, I should be 7 feet and 5 inches tall!”
Santa Singh meditated hard on the Himalayas seeking blessings from God. God was pleased and said to him, “I shall grant you a wish. Ask.”
Santa said, “I want wings so I can fly.”
God said, “That is against nature. I cannot grant you that. Ask for something else.”
Santa said, “I want to read my wife’s mind. She is very quarrelsome, so if I read her mind, I can avoid many such situations.”
God said, “What was you first wish again?”
When Arjun returned from office, his wife Anita asked, “Where are we going for summer vacations this year?”
Arjun was in a good mood and replied in a singing tone, “Jahan gham bhi na hon, aansoon bhi na hon, bas pyar hi pyar pale (Where there is no sorrow or tears, only love blossoms)”
Anita said immediately,”That’s just not possible. I am definitely coming with you.”
Little Sonu came home and ran to his father. He said, “Papa, I have failed again.”
His father Santa Singh said. “Koi baat nahi. Tu sher ka puttar hai!”
Little Sonu said, “My class teacher also said something similar.”
Santa Singh asked, “Kya bola teacher ne?”
Little Sonu replied, “She said God knows kaun se jaanwar ki paidaish hai!”
Tina visits the physician and says, “My son Johnie is in trouble. He stuffed carrots in his nose and lady fingers in his ears. Now he is crying.”
The physician replied calmly, “That implies that Johnie is not eating properly.”
Little Johnny and Josie, all of 6 years, go to their teacher with a question. Johnny asks, “Can kids our age have babies of their own?”
The teacher, rather surprised, exclaimed, “No!! It is not possible. Why do you ask such a question?”
Little Johnny, turning to Josie, said, “Didn’t I tell you there’s nothing to be scared of.”
Lawyer Jones: “This is exhibit 6. Do you recognize that picture?”
Asian Witness: “Yes, that’s me.”
Lawyer Jones: “Mr. Chang, Were you present when that picture was taken?”
Asian Witness: “No, I was at home reading lawyer jokes.”
Mrs. Hoggins from the city went to the countryside to buy a cow.
She said to the farmer, “Hello, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer looked at her for a moment, then started patiently, “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a whole lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we trim them down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ones by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops the growth. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
Jack walks into the police department and says to the Chief, “I want to become a deputy!”
The Chief shows Jack a man’s photograph on a poster and tells him, “Fine. I want you to catch this guy.”
The poster reads : Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.
Jack asked, “What is he wanted for?”
The Chief replies, “Rustling.”
Ten common fishing expressions explained
1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.
2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].
3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.
4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.
8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.
10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming ‘that flippin’ line’ for once again losing the fish.