Short funny jokes

Archive for the ‘Really funny jokes’ Category

Cheryl Teigs was the first person fired by Donald Trump on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.  Apparently, he was jealous that her hair was nicer than his.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You guess, buddy! You guess!”

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for my figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said: – I forgot my teeth.

The man said: – No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. – Try these – he said.

The speaker tried them. – Too loose – he said.

The man then said: – I have another pair…try these.

The speaker tried them and responded: – Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said: – I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.

The speaker said: – They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied: – I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?