Little Jessica came home after having her first family planning lesson at her school, St. Mary’s.
Seeing her red in the face, her mom asked, “How did it go, my dear?”
Little Jessica replied, “I am so embarrassed!”
Her mom asked, “Why is that?”
Little Jessica replied, “Tom from next door says that the stork brings babies. My classmate Dara says one can buy babies at the orphanage. Ted says babies are available at the hospital.”
Mom said to her, “But that’s hardly a reason to be embarrassed!”
Little Jessica replied, “No, but how do I tell my friends we were so needy that Dad and you had to make me yourselves!”
Rumors that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA.
Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: “I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone.”
My girlfriend dumped me because she says I’m too specific. She broke the news to me yesterday at 3.21 pm whilst I was eating a roast dinner in my kitchen, which by the way has red tiles.
Q: You knew that Harley Davidson supplied the US Army with motorcycles but did you know that they also built land mine detectors back during World War II?
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”
Saw a pickup truck the other day, it had a Harley bar and shield with wings emblem in the rear window, below that, it had a sticker that said “I’d rather push a Harley than ride a Honda”, below that it had a sticker that said “imports suck”.
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF…
* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
* Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
* Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
* In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
* The salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
* You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
* You can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
* You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
* You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
* You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
* You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
* You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
* You know what http:// actually stands for.
* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys
* You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
* You see a good design and still have to change it
* You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
* You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep
* You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
* You window shop at Radio Shack
* You’re in the back seat of your convertible, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
* You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
* Your checkbook always balances
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car
* Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work
* Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
* You’ve already calculated how much you make per second
* You’ve even tried to repair a $5 radio
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle. “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes – so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”
You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
* You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.
* You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.
* You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
* You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years.
* If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
* You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
* You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
* You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.
* While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?”
* You chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
* You pay anything/everything in small change (especially pennies).
Q: Why did the T. Rex cross the road?
A1: Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet!
A2: Because it was chasing a chicken.
A3: Because it was being chased by a chicken.
A4: Because it thought it was a chicken.