“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children.”

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence?

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson.

-Conan O’Brien

Drew:What’s wrong with the old one?

Must have been a duck family

A duck family ?

Didn’t you say there was a quack in it !

You could be Barbara Walters and not really understand the phrase, “Most Fascinating Person.”

You could be Rick Perry and after making all the major gaffes you’ve made lately you realize that you are running for president, not vice-president.

You could be Lindsay Lohan and have trouble at Christmas time finding good necklaces to steal as presents.

You could be a person with really bad ringing in your ears and the only reason you went to see the movie, “The Adventures of Tintin,” was because you thought it was a documentary on tinnitus.

You could be Newt Gingrich and you keep gaining weight while running for President so that you can be in touch with the common American citizen.

You could be a man on Christmas eve and realize there are no more days for you to procrastinate about shopping.

You could be Justin Beiber and have you dreams shattered this year when you realized there is no Santa Claus.

You could be Rudolph and you heard that all the reindeer meat has been sold out.

You could be a parking space at the most far end of the mall and you know that after Christmas you won’t be used again for another year.

You could be an “Occupy” protester and your only hope is for a definite cause is if Santa Claus delivers it to you.

…or you could be an “Occupy ” protester and you win the lottery and then you become one of the 1%.

You could be sexting someone and realize that you forgot your little plastic bag to put around your cell phone so that you were not able to practice safe sexting.

Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

Neighbour: Off.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain, he said.” Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”

As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

He thinks quickly and says “Twenty seven.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not twenty eight.He thought “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he said, “but what about four multiplied by seven? My answer wasn’t right” “We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”