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Category: Best funny jokes

Eyesight

Eyesight

Renie said to her husband Jose, “Guess what I found in our son’s cupboard. A whole bunch of adult magazines. I tell you, you need to speak to that boy!!”

Jose heads to his son’s bedroom and on entering, says to him, “Jack, you need to stop looking at adult mags. You know they can make you lose your eyesight.”

Jack says, “I am over here dad”.

Look good

Look good

Well, I met this redhead in the pub last night.

She said to me, “Tell you what, if you lost a few kilos, get a shave and a hair cut, you would look good.”

I said to her, “If  I did what you said,  I would be talking to your pals over there instead of you.”

Boring lecture

Boring lecture

Sahil and Saurav were getting bored with the Internet Marketing lecture in class.

Sahil says, “This lecture is so boring,I nearly dozed off twice. Even my bums seem to have fallen asleep.

Saurav commented, “I know, I heard them snore a couple of times!”

A reason to worry!

A reason to worry!

The hospital janitor, Joe saw a patient running wildly in the corridors.

Joe stopped him and asked what was the problem.

The patient said, “They are to operate on me today. The nurse said it’s a simple operation, and there is nothing to worry.”

Joe tried to pacify the patient, “She was just trying to comfort you, why are you so scared?”

The patient replied, “She was talking to the doctor.”

Best funny jokes-Expecting

Best funny jokes-Expecting

Dave and Gary are having a conversation over drinks.
Dave, wanting to inquire about Gary’s wife, asks, “So how is Betty taking her pregnancy?”
Gary answers, “Betty is not pregnant. She is expecting.”
Dave, intrigued, asks, “Hello! How is it different?”
Gary shoots back, “Well, When I return home from office, she is expecting me to cook dinner, she is expecting me to pick up the trash, she is expecting me to walk the dog, she is expecting me to wash the clothes….”
Caught something

Caught something

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”
The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”
Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”
The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

It was the final cricket match of the ICC cup between India and England. One of the Indian fielders, who had dropped one too many catches, was changing in the locker-room. He said to his team mates, “I am sorry guys. I should have closed my legs and not let the ball pass by.”

The bowler, who was denied a wicket because of the missed catch, retorted, “So should have your Mom!”

Embarrassed, the fielder tried to change the subject. Sneezing, he said, “I think I have caught a cold.”

The Captain said sarcastically, “At least you have caught something!”

Youngsters

Youngsters

Preacher Mark Anthony was complaining to the gathering during Sunday mass.

“The problem of youngsters parking behind the church at night is becoming grave. I went out this morning to check and found enough liquor bottles to build a car.”

A nun got up and said, “Father, and enough rubbers to put tyres on it.”

Kick the habit

Kick the habit

Ed was going to meet a friend at his office. He was trying to kick his habit of smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got into the elevator.

A woman looked at him angrily and said, “May I please remind you that smoking is prohibited in the lift.”

Ed replied, “I aint smoking lady.”

The woman said, “But you have a cigar in your mouth.”

Ed taunted, “I am wearing Jockey shorts too, but I aint riding a horse.”

Best funny jokes-Lost teeth

Best funny jokes-Lost teeth

Doctor Gonsalves asked his patient Santa Singh, “Santa, how did you lose 3 front teeth?”

Sardar  Santa Singh replied, “Doctor, my wife had made very hard rotis (Indian bread).”

Doctor Gonsalves said, “So why didn’t you refuse to eat?”

Sardar Santa Singh replied, “That’s exactly what I did!”

Warning Labels on Appliances

Warning Labels on Appliances

Warning Labels on Appliances

1) On Odor Eaters: Please do not eat.

2) On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.

3) On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

4) On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.

5) On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.

6) On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

7) On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
“Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”.

8) On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

9) On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only.
No meteorological warranties express or implied.

10) On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.