Short funny jokes » Best funny jokes

Best funny jokes-Running behind bus

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 03:49:57 +0000

Abe’s son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” Morris said, “I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!”

“Morris, you are a stupid boy!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!”

Best funny jokes-Outstanding

admin — Tue, 08 May 2012 12:38:17 +0000

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what’s

happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?”

“I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer replies.

“A Nobel Prize?” enquires Bob, puzzled. “How?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

Best funny jokes-Highest bidding

admin — Wed, 02 May 2012 05:17:22 +0000

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Best funny jokes-Stupid people

admin — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 04:00:57 +0000

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, “I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me.” Cheney reassured him by saying, “Jokes can’t hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I’ll show you what I mean.”

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, “Please take me to 261 M street to see if I’m home, ” said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, “Oh, I guess I’m not there! Take us back to where we started, please.”

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, “You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don’t worry about their opinions!”

Bush said, “Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better.” Then he winked and whispered, “Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

Best funny jokes-Disgruntled tax payer

admin — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 03:08:48 +0000

There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3407 USD. [Somewhat less than £2000] He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ‘Presidential Election Fund’, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a ‘1.5 inch screw’. (See attached article – HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and ’screwdrivers’.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled of Oklahoma.

Best funny jokes-Chemist

admin — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:42:39 +0000

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely..”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”

Best funny jokes-The potion

admin — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 05:44:40 +0000

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents,
I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion.
The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.” (typical of men!)
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”
“Oh, that’s him I have on my back…

Hilarious jokes-Border visit

admin — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 18:21:32 +0000

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.

Best funny jokes-Philosophy lesson

admin — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 08:38:58 +0000

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades…and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: “What chair?”

Best funny jokes-Signalman

admin — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 11:30:23 +0000

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Andy says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Andy continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was engaged?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Andy, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalised?”
“Oh well then I’d run into the village and get my uncle Silas.”
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”
Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash.”