Short funny jokes

Archive for August, 2009

A woman went to a State Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
“What’s is in for?”, asked the Governor.
“For stealing a ham.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad. Is he a good worker?”
“No, I couldn’t say that. He’s very lazy.”
“Oh…well, he’s good to you and the children, isn’t he?”
“No, he is not. He’s very mean to us, if you want to know the truth.”
“Why would you want a man like that out of prison?”
“Well, Governor, we’ve been out of ham for quite a spell.”

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

When her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, “I will be a out in a minute, darling.”

Soon, the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him –obviously as usual.

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
“I would like To buy a pair of pink curtains”. The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “fifteen inches” “Fifteen inches???” asked the salesman.
“That sounds very small, what room are they for?” The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo ………… . I’ve got Windoooooows!”

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker.  The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’, I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s…

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!