July 24th, 2009 by admin

IF ONLY THEY HAD A JEWISH  MOTHER
MONA LISA’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “After all the  money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH  MOTHER: “I don’t care  what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”
MICHELANGELO’ S JEWISH  MOTHER: “A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “You’re not  hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show  me!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance  good-bye!”
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “Okay, so I’m  proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!”
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “I don’t care  where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “Your senior  photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”
MOSES’ JEWISH  MOTHER: “Desert, schmesert!!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?”
BILL GATES’ JEWISH  MOTHER: “It would have killed you to become a doctor?”
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH  MOTHER: “Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!”

July 24th, 2009 by admin

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late.. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.

Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed.”

“I’m on my way,” she said. She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. “I’m going to bed.” And he did…without another thought.

July 24th, 2009 by admin

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

July 23rd, 2009 by admin

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming – all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, “You! I can understand why you didn’t run away, you are in your Lord’s house, you preach against me everyday and you aren’t afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn’t you run out scared like everyone else?”
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, “Why, I’m surprised you don’t recognize me…I’ve been married to your sister for 36 years!”

July 23rd, 2009 by admin

A guy meets a childhood pal.
“What are you doing for yourself these days?”
“I’m a fireman.”
“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”
“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
“Well, did your son become a fireman?”
“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.”