Best Funny Jokes

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:  ‘What was that for?’
Wife:  ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants’ pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’
Man:  ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. ‘
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man:  ‘What the hell was that for this time?’
Wife:  ‘Your horse called.’

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New Delhi , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

On the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing.

At a time when the US President and other US politicians tend to apologize
for their country’s prior actions, here’s a refresher on how some former US
personnel handled negative comments about the United States.

JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when
Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded “does that include those who are buried here?

DeGaule did not respond .

You could have heard a pin drop.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

“Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things!” the artist said.

“I know,” she replied. “But if I should die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!”

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

1) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
3) Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can
find the perfect present!
5) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you
don’t want to hear.
6) Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7) Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every
other cat.
9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10) Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
11) Shopping is not sport.
12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13) You have enough clothes.
14) You have too many shoes.
15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad’s
way past idiot.
17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18) No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on
a calendar.
19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range.
We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we’d be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23) Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25) Check your oil.
26) Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27) Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
30) If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we
meant the other one.
32) Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
33) Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-but not both.
35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36) Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39) Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes
you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading
the magazines.
40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.